COVID-19 : Let Yourself Feel It
Here’s the thing.
Right now...I just want to feel my feelings. ALL OF THEM. The good, yes... but also the bad.
I want everyone to stop shoving the silver lining in my face so I can just feel for a hot minute.
I want to feel angry. Angry that any/all of this is happening. Angry that our world is so broken in so many ways. Angry that so many lives have already been lost and so many more are to come.
I want to feel frustrated. Frustrated that this epidemic is interrupting life as I knew it. Frustrated that I have to find a way to work a full-time job while being 20 weeks pregnant with a preschooler and a toddler at home 24/7. Frustrated that this scenario puts extra stress on my marriage in a season where neither of us has a lot left-over to give.
I want to feel sad. Sad that my oldest daughter’s last year of preschool got taken away from her so suddenly and unexpectedly. Sad that I signed her up for “extracurriculars” for the first time ever – youth tennis, spring soccer, indoor swimming lessons – and those things have been taken from her, too. Because next year, with full-time Kindergarten and a new baby, we might not have the time for those things. Sad that no matter how hard I try, I know I cannot provide her with the same level of engagement, education and social experiences she was getting at school. Because this #WAHM life is no joke.
I want to feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by information. Overwhelmed by other peoples’ opinions. Overwhelmed by all the decisions that I have to make for myself, my family and pretty much any/all humans who will be within a 6-foot radius if I step foot outside my home.
I want to feel scared. Scared that this epidemic will somehow impact more than just my daily routine. Scared that someone I know and love could become a part of the statistics – that I could become a statistic. With underlying health issues and being 20 weeks pregnant… I cannot help but be scared.
I want to have the space and the time and the freedom to FEEL ALL OF THESE THINGS.
And when I’m done feeling these feelings… I will come back to the truth – and the capital “T” Truth – when I’m ready.
The truth that I will eventually find a new work/life balance – whatever that might look like.
The truth that I probably do need to slow down the pace of life I’ve been living. That I need to rush less, and rest more. Achieve less but accomplish more.
The truth that I need to take more time to truly enjoy my husband and children; to soak up life with my girls in this season because I will never get it back. The truth that through this mess, I will find new reasons to appreciate the man I love but don’t always take the time to see for who he is.
The truth that I am my kids’ greatest teacher, and I WILL find ways to entertain, educate and engage them. The truth that a decade from now, they will not even remember “that one time” our entire nation came to a standstill in the year 2020. It will just be something they read about in their history books.
The TRUTH that God is with me. That in all things (not just the good things) he works for the good of those who love Him. And that He has a plan to give us HOPE and a FUTURE.
The TRUTH that although God warned us this world would be broken and full of troubles, HE has overcome the world. And in the end – whatever that looks like – everything will be ok.
Right now, I just want to feel how I feel without the world telling me what it thinks. So, I’m going to. I am going to sit here alone… in the rare quiet of the night... and I am going to feel my feelings without remorse, regret or shame. Because without recognizing the realities of the bad… how can I appreciate the Truth?? Without the darkness, how could the light display its power?
