Dear Emmy,

Today you should have been walking into your first day of kindergarten side-by-side with your sister. We should have woken up this morning — a family of 6 — juggling a newborn, an almost 2-year-old and our sweet twin girls beginning a new life adventure together. We should have watched you and Lexi hold hands as you climbed onto the bus for the very first time. I should be spending my day anxiously missing you both, but grateful knowing that at least you have each other.

Instead, we are navigating yet another milestone without you here. And baby girl, it hurts as much as all of the rest. Your first steps, your first words, your 1st birthday... and all the little moments between the day you were born and today — what should’ve been your very first day at McCormick Elementary.

God knows I am eternally grateful that he chose me as your mama. I believe to the very depths of my soul that he created your life and wrote your story [and ours] with a very specific and powerful purpose. I am not angry or bitter, nor do I question why He didn’t let you stay on this earth with us. But in spite of all of these things I know and believe, Emmy girl, my soul still aches for you. My arms still long to hold you. A piece of my heart is missing, and it will be until I am reunited with you in Heaven.

I hate that we had to live through this day [and every day] without you here. I hate that your sister has to navigate her life as a “twinless twin” and explain to the outside world that she actually has 3 siblings. I hate that Lakyn only knows you... “Emmy” ...by the bench we go visit and the trees we water every so often. I hate the question “how many kids do you have” because while the answer is easy, saying it out loud can be complicated.

But as much as I hate all of these things, I am also proud. Proud of the strength and resiliency your sister has developed through experiencing such a significant loss at such an early age. And proud that I know she will teach Lakyn and Truett all about their big sister in heaven.

I am grateful. Grateful that I know even though it looked like your sister boarded that bus alone today… I know she didn’t. Because you are with her always. 

I am at peace. At peace knowing you are in the arms of the one who created you. The one who loves you even more than I do. The one who was so gracious to bless our lives through you.

And I am confident. Confident in telling the world I am a mama of four beautiful babes. A twin mama. And also...a bereaved mama. Confident that one day, the tears that have fallen from my eyes and the ache I’ve felt in my soul will be insignificant in light of the joy of being reunited with you. 

Emmy girl, this will never get easier. Living life this side of heaven without you will always carry with it hurt + heartache. But that heartache… it will never outweigh the honor of knowing you and calling you ours. And the hurt will never overshadow the hope of someday holding you again in heaven.

Until that day comes, know that your mama loves you more and misses you most.

I love you Em,

Your Mama