The Positives of a Pandemic Pregnancy

This week one year ago, I was basking in the joy of the positive pregnancy test I'd taken the day after Thanksgiving. At first, I didn't believe it was real. I mean, that second pink line was pretty faint. And it was easy to doubt because, well... pregnancy had never come that easily for us. But the blood work confirmed – pregnant. 

5 years prior we'd experienced a complicated twin pregnancy that resulted in the loss of one of our daughters the day after their birth. Our second pregnancy came only after many months of infertility treatments and, eventually, the intervention of an IUI. A process that, honestly, caused enough collateral damage in our marriage that I wasn't willing to repeat if it came to that again. 

But this time...it took one try. One round of Femara, two follicle scans, one hCG injection and two weeks later...pregnant. 

Praise Jesus

& Amen

I know the indescribable pain of child loss. I understand the struggles of secondary infertility. But this...this unhindered, uncomplicated path to a positive pregnancy...

It felt very unfamiliar. 

It felt easy (maybe too easy).

It felt good.

Fast forward 3 months and, well...we all know what happened. Our country was hit by COVID. Our culture was infected not just with a virus, but with fear and anxiety and panic. Our world changed in what seemed like the blink of an eye. And just like that, our "easy" pregnancy got really complicated

By our 20-week ultrasound, partners weren't being allowed into doctor's appointments anymore. And everyone was required to wear a mask. Which now, seems like no big deal. It's our "new normal" or so we call it. But that first appointment that I walked into alone, had a temp check and was handed a mask...it was eerie. Uncomfortable.

I'd received bad news at ultrasounds in the past. And I wasn't keen to be sitting in that room alone. But there I was. And I didn't like it one bit.

As the weeks passed by, I attended more appointments and scans alone. I had a new OBGYN who my husband had never met and whose face I'd never seen not partially covered. It became clear that my mama wouldn't get to be present for the birth of my 4th child as she had for all the others. And that even during labor + delivery I'd be required to wear a mask.

It was easy, of course, to focus on all of the negatives of this "pandemic pregnancy" and honestly, I think rightfully so. There were certainly things lost that I needed to grieve.

But you know what I didn't expect?

The blessings. Like...

The extra time I got to spend at home with my daughters in the early months of the pandemic. The memories we got to create in the hours that they typically would have been in preschool and daycare. 

A slower summer. Digging in the dirt, running through the sprinkler in the front yard and feeling the popsicle juice running down our chins in the heat of the summer sun. We couldn't go to the zoo, most swimming pools were closed and a summer vacation was off the table. So we were just here – together – living our best lives. 

The alone time I got to spend to/from and at my appointments where it was just me and my growing babe. I feel like this is something most of us take for granted in our first pregnancies. That time is sacred once you have older kiddos at home because it's so dang hard to come by. While I missed having my husband there with me, I also cherished the time I had when it was just me and my little man. 

A more intimate delivery + postpartum recovery experience. In all honesty, this is probably the one I was most upset about leading up to the birth of our son. My mom had been right outside the operating room for my C-section with the twins, and holding my hand as I delivered our middle daughter. And we had more friends + family than I can count at the hospital within hours of both deliveries. I had counted it as a major loss that those things wouldn't be happening this time around. But looking back, it was actually an incredible blessing. Not so much the not having our people there...but rather the intimacy that resulted because of it. Those first precious hours and days that it was just me & my husband soaking in our new son. We didn't have to entertain any guests or share his sweet snuggles. We didn't have to worry about when it was time to feed or if we all needed a nap. For a blissful 36 hours, it was just the three of us. And I wouldn't change that experience for the world.

All of this to say...while there were certainly negatives aspects of being pregnant in a pandemic, there were also some positives. And I understand that other mamas and couples might not have the same experience(s) that we did. For many, their pandemic pregnancy may have been incredibly stressful and painful and even traumatic. And I by no means want to diminish those experiences. 

But for me, it's been helpful to also recognize the good that came from bringing new life into this world in the midst of a global crisis. The hope. The joy. The love.

COVID had taken a lot from us…but these things it cannot take.